Late One Night: Adventures of the LGM on Tequila
by XFileNumber25
Summary: The Lone Gunmen, Mulder, and Krycek get tangled up in a dazed Tequila laced night with two women who call them their "call boys"


TITLE: Late One Night: The Adventures of the Lone Gunmen on Tequila  
AUTHOR: X_FileNumber25  
EMAIL ADDRESS: X_FileNumber25@yahoo.com  
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Archive anywhere, if you think it's good enough. Tell me where first.  
SPOILER WARNING: None that I can think of  
RATING: Between a PG-13 and an R   
CONTENT WARNING: Language, drinking, sexual content, and the weirdest plot in the history of X-Files Fanfic!  
CLASSIFICATION: SH  
SUMMARY: The Lone Gunmen, Mulder, and Krycek get tangled up in a dazed Tequila laced night with two women who call them their "call boys"  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I actually played out this story in different parts of the original variation of it, a long time ago when the good old days was spending hours in the X-Files chat room on Yahoo! With a good friend, Illythia. God bless Illy, she lost the "Illythia" screen name to a hacker. Not a nice one like the Gunmen though. The good old nights with her were just the weirdest things we ever did. I put in some of the weird missions we went on in our history. We sure did have some wickedly evil fun back then! Heh heh. Also Third Eye Blind's 'I Want You' song is the most sensual sounding song I could have hear without knowing the words. Wicked good song, wicked good band. Here we go!  
  
  
  
  
BASEMENT OF THE FBI BUILDING, WASHINGTON DC  
YOU GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS! I DON'T HAVE A FLIPPING WATCH!  
  
She laughed, and laughed, and laughed. That's right, that chick known as "Gambit" was laughing. Her partner in crime, Rogue, was telling some twisted story. That's why Gambit was laughing. Sick sad world. Then Gambit said something so freaking hilarious; the door banged open with the people she said in the doorway.  
"Holy Shiite Gambit! You sure weren't kidding! They're right there in the freaking doorway! Dude!" laughed Rogue.  
"I told ya many times, I'm psychic!" snickered Gambit.  
"Yeah sure………." Said the blond dude of the three dudes in the doorway.  
"She called us! Right in the middle of our history altering MUD!" snapped the short stubble dude, of the three dudes.  
"Oooh. The Gunmen………. Great choice Gambit……. Yum……….." drooled Rogue.  
"Oh shut up! Didn't you call Mulder and Krycek? Quit drooling over MY call boys!" piped Gambit with a girlish giggle.  
"Oh what?! We're call boys now? Did ya hear that Frohike? You're a CALL BOY! Now you can match up to them CALL GIRLS of Mulder's!" teased Langly to Frohike.  
"Oh shut up blondie! Nobody said for you to speak!" snapped Frohike.  
"Bite me punk!" Langly snapped back.  
"For the love of everything digital, SHUT THE HELL UP!" yelled Byers like he never had before. Gambit fell right out of her chair.  
"Gosh, baby. Don't yell." soothed Gambit.  
"Sorry, we're not in a good mood by being yanked away and brought to the FBI." sighed Byers.  
"We're not the FBI, we're just hiding out here. There's tons of us "non FBI" people down here in the basement that Mulder, Scully, and the rest of these mindless drones here in the FBI don't know about. Gosh, even Caster down the hall has this huge hacking place underground here that you would just kill to see. But I didn't bring you here for Caster's hacking super station." spoke Gambit with smooth compassion.  
"Hacking super station?! This "Caster" fellow…." Langly made quotation marks with his fingers AKA Chris Farley. "How big is his super station and where is it?" Langly asked like a little kid about his presents before Christmas.  
"I'm not gonna tell you. That's not why you're here." Gambit answered quickly. Rogue nodded.   
"What is it then?" asked Frohike with an annoyed face on.  
"Get in the office and shut the damn door so I can tell you. Geez, you know they surveillance these halls, you should know better guys." said Gambit in a mom kind of way. Frohike looked out the door in caution then shut the door.  
"What is it?" said Byers after taking a seat on Mulder's stolen couch. Gambit looked over at Rogue.  
"Get the box out, Rogue, it's time we show them a good time, the Gambit way." Gambit smirked evilly, which caused the Gunmen to be nervous. Gambit was a very unpredictable person, that's why the Gunmen loved her, her ideas were so damn bizarre than theirs.  
"Sure thing Gamby, dear." Rogue said sweetly to Gambit before getting up and disappearing behind file cabinets. Rogue knocked three times on the wall and a small crawl space door swung open to reveal a long missing office, stashed full of goodies. The Gunmen tried to peek at what was in the hidden office, but Rogue blocked them by dragging out a box full of some kind of bottles with liquid in them. The bottles clinked together when Rogue stood up and stomped a spot in front of the crawlspace door. The door shut with amazing precision.   
"Here you go, just like you asked." said Rogue as she put the box of bottles on Gambit's desk. The bottles clinked again. Gambit put her hand in the box and drew out a Tequila bottle.  
"This," Gambit showed the bottle to the Gunmen. "Is the best damn Tequila in the world, boys." smiled Gambit as she showed off the bottle. Rogue reached into the box and drew out three bottles, and gave them to the Gunmen.  
"This, is what you brought us here for?" asked Byers, looking at the bottle curiously.  
"Yes. You three are so damn uptight and you need a little Gambit vacation from your dreary geeky world of the internet hacking." said Gambit like she's always wanted to say before. The Gunmen looked at her like she was kidding. She just made fun of their lifestyle.  
"You sure Gambit? This Tequila stuff better be as good as you say it is." Frohike said curiously.  
"I'm sure as Frohike's love for Scully." Gambit smiled. Frohike nodded and twisted the cap of his bottle and took a swig. Then his eyes bugged and he crashed to the floor.  
"Oh my god! Frohike? You ok? What is in this stuff Gambit?" asked Byers as he freaked out over Frohike. Gambit got up and took the bottle and cap from Frohike's hands and put the cap back on.   
"It's the good stuff. Watch Frohike, he's not dead you know. The stuff is so damn good, virgins to this Tequila would get knocked out for a few minutes. Don't worry your pretty little head, Frohike would say that it was the best damn stuff he's ever tasted." smiled Gambit with evil glee. Soon right after she finished talking and grinned at Byers and Langly, Frohike shot up straight.  
"Shit………. Gambit, that's the best damn Tequila I've ever had!! DAMN!" Frohike yelled with glee. Gambit shot Byers an I-told-you-so look.  
"So you up for it? You two little boys?" asked Gambit. Byers and Langly looked at each other and sighed.  
"Sure….. Fine…… Whatever………" said Langly and Byers at the same time.  
"Aw, you're such my good little boys….." smiled Gambit happily as she gave a bottle to Langly and Byers, and proceeding to give Frohike his bottle back. Langly and Byers started to take a sip, while Gambit and Rogue came up in front of them to catch them when they fell over from the intense Tequila.   
After Langly and Byers came to and yelled praises of glee, there was a knock at the door. The five of them froze then hid the Tequila bottles under their jackets and shirts.  
"Who is it?" asked Gambit to the door.  
"Mulder. Rogue called me over. And Krycek is here with me." answered the person on the other side of the door. Gambit waved at the door lazily and Rogue got up to open the door and let Mulder and Krycek in.  
"Rogue, why is HE here?" asked Mulder and Krycek at the same time, pointing at each other.  
"Cause I needed my call boys. Gambit has hers." answered Rogue with a sly smile.   
"Um. Ok." muttered Mulder.  
"Sit down boys, and take one of these bottles for yourself." said gambit as she welcomed Mulder and Krycek by holding out two bottles of the Tequila.   
"Damn Mulder, that stuff is the best stuff in the WORLD." slurred Frohike.  
"It's affecting your brain, Frohike….." droned Mulder. Gambit stared at Mulder and Krycek as they twisted off the caps and took their swigs. Rogue caught them before they fell to the ground.  
"Now we've done our magic, Rogue, let's drink up!" cheered Gambit as she clinked bottles with Rogue in a toast. The Gunmen laughed deliriously and did the same between them.   
When Mulder and Krycek came to, the seven of them left the FBI building. They piled in Gambit and Rogue's cars, Gambit drove with the Gunmen, while Rogue drove with Mulder and Krycek. They drove wildly through DC, up until Mulder jumped out of Rogue's car at a red light and ran off into the night.   
Gambit and Rogue pulled off into an alley and tried to guess where Mulder went. They had a good lead when Frohike piped up that whenever Mulder was so drunk back in the old days, he would go to karaoke bars and just sing to the Japanese businessmen. Gambit thanked Frohike and gave him a kiss, which eventually turned into making out. Gambit got the energy to shove Frohike off of her and back into the car.  
They all piled into one of the cars; Gambit sat up front with Rogue driving and Krycek between them. They Gunmen sat in the back giggling weirdly at each other. They had to go to the only karaoke bar in this part of town, Kao San Karaoke. God knows what Mulder is doing there, if he was doing something, it better be funny.   
When they pulled up to the Kao San Karaoke bar, Gambit and Rogue got out of the car in an instant, leaving the boys telling stories drunkenly in the car. When the two women opened the door, the sight to see was so freaking hilarious; they fell to the ground laughing. Mulder was singing karaoke to a room of Japanese businessmen on the laps of them.   
"Who Mulder! Go baby go!" yelled out Rogue cheering. Then she laughed some more.   
After they laughed through one of Mulder's song, which he sang on various Japanese businessmen's laps, Rogue got up to fetch him. The Gunmen had wandered in and sat down trying to hide from Gambit. They being drunk, she easily spotted them and got an idea. Gambit headed to the stage.  
"Get Mulder to the bathroom, we're probably gonna have to chase after Krycek next. Besides the Gunmen wandered in and I'm gonna sing to them." said Gambit as she passed Rogue trying to get Mulder to come with her. Rogue smiled at her and tried to get Mulder into the bathroom. Gambit stepped out on the stage and announced herself in Japanese and English: "This song, I know entirely on my own and I'm gonna sing it to those three boys back there, my cute little call boys!" The audience applauded her entrance as she picked the song, Third Eye Blind's 'I Want You' and headed over to the Gunmen to sing to them just exactly like Stephan Jenkins:  
  
The suckers lose themselves in the games they learn to play  
The children learn to sing but then their voices slowly fade away  
People always take a step away from what is true  
That's why I like you around, I want you  
  
Oh you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do  
You make me want you  
  
An open invitation to the dance  
Happenstance set the vibe that we are in  
No apology because my urge is genuine  
And the mystery of your rhythm is so feminine  
Here I am and I want to take a hit of your scent  
Cause it bit so deep into my soul  
  
Ooh, I want you  
Yeah you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do  
You make me want you  
Oh you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do  
(send me all your vampires)  
I want you  
  
And I can't get enough (you, you, you, you...)  
And I can't get enough  
And I can't get enough (oh, oh, oh, oh...)  
  
The village church yard is filled with bones weeping in the grave  
A silver lining of clouds shines on people Jesus couldn't save  
You want to know how deeply my soul goes  
Deeper than bones, deeper than bones  
  
And I can't get enough (I, I, I, I...)  
And I can't get enough  
Oh, I can't get enough (you, you, you, you)  
And I can't get enough  
  
After we did it by the window sill  
Smoke rings drift into the midnight sky  
Presently in the quilt that your mother made  
A brilliant candle burns to fight off the gloom  
You said to live in this way is not for the meek  
(send me all your vampires)  
And like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep  
I said there will be no regrets when the worms come  
(send me all your vampires)  
And they will surely come  
  
Yeah you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do  
You make me want you  
(send me all your vampires)  
Yeah I do, and do, and do, you do, you do, you do, you do, you do  
You make me want you  
(send me all your vampires)  
I want you  
(send me all your vampires)  
I want you  
(send me all your vampires)  
(send me all your vampires)  
There will be no regrets when the worms come  
(send me all your vampires)  
  
Gambit finished the song on the Gunmen's table. She had slid around all over them and their table during the song to emphasize its meaning to her. The Gunmen were full of glee when she finished the song.   
"You're my call boys now, Gunmen." Gambit smiled sexily at them. They were in shock in the pure concept of that song and Gambit.   
"Good job at that Gambit! Just look at their faces! You know how to make them wild with their weird faces on! Come on, you were right, Krycek took off, but the car's still there. I'll drive you and the Gunmen back to your car and we'll try and find Krycek." Rogue said to Gambit, tugging her arm. They headed to the door, and Gambit clapped her hands together to get the Gunmen up and out the door.  
They piled in the car and took off, looking for places Krycek might be. When they passed a male strip club, Mulder yelled out.  
"That's the place!! That's where Krycek is!!" Mulder yelled while pointing at the strip club. Everybody turned his or her heads to see what Mulder was pointing at. Rogue made a really sharp U-turn and parked in an alley next to the club. Gambit and Rogue got out as quickly as they did when Mulder was in the karaoke club.  
"Stay, boys, stay and we'll give you a treat when we come back." Said Gambit like an owner to their dogs. The four of them nodded.  
"I gotta go to the bathroom." said Byers quietly. Gambit looked at Byers then at Rogue.  
"Ok, better make it fast and get back to the car soon after." said Gambit. Byers got out of the car and followed Gambit and Rogue into the club.  
The raunchy stripping music played as this attractive guy stripped out of a cop costume on the stage. Gambit and Rogue looked around for Krycek, and they spotted a big white sign that said: AMATEUR NIGHT!!! Any guys we find in this club will be brought up to the stage and STRIP! Winner wins $5,000 plus the tips they get while stripping!!   
"This is the place. I've seen Krycek strip once, he's damn good at it!" exclaimed Rogue in glee. The women quickly sat down because the velvety voice of the announcer said that the amateur strip contest would be starting soon. Gambit grinned at Rogue, and then the raunchy stripping music came on. The first stripper was surprise, surprise, Krycek. Gambit felt around in her coat for her spy camera.  
"Rogue! I have my spy camera!" yelled Gambit upon finding her camera in her pockets.   
"GIVE! We need pictures of Krycek for blackmail!" yelled Rogue like a little kid and snatched the camera from Gambit's hands and started to take pictures of the drunk Krycek stripping like the horny bad boy he was. Gambit and Rogue were giggling the whole time and giving Krycek tips.   
When Krycek ended his act, he went off the stage and sat on Rogue's lap.  
"I had to get you away from Mulder so I could have you to myself, baby." said Krycek as he touched Rogue's face. Rogue giggled. Gambit was looking at the stage for no reason when they announced the next stripper, the suited man. Gambit was confused a little, but she wasn't until Byers came out.  
"HOLY SHIT BATMAN!" Gambit yelled. Rogue was startled and then saw what Gambit yelled at.   
"I thought he was going to the bathroom!" yelled Rogue.  
"He was, I think the people in this place caught him trying to get away because the sign said they would get any guy in this place and make them strip." answered Gambit without taking her eyes off Byers. He seemed to strip in a casual fashion, but with sneaky demeanor added, he taunted the audience. Byers was stripping for Gambit. It was different than Byers' wavelength, and Gambit loved every damn minute of it. Gambit laid so much money down on the stage for Byers for appreciating what he was doing, his change of pace. Gambit loved him madly as she did before, when she laid eyes on him.   
When Byers finished, the audience cheered so loudly for Byers, Gambit the most. Byers came down and sat next to Gambit.  
"I didn't know you had that in you, baby." cooed Gambit, brushing Byers' hair back.  
"I just thought of you when they caught me trying to leave the club after going to the bathroom. Besides I'm too much of a narc and I wanted to do something different for a change." smiled Byers as he touched Gambit's face. Gambit gave Byers a kiss.  
"We gotta get back to the other guys, they're going nutty in that car, the Tequila might be wearing off, need some more of that Tequila in our stomachs before we head on our next place. You were so good baby." said Gambit as she turned to Rogue and Krycek, who were gone.   
"Where'd they go?" asked Byers, looking around. Gambit looked at the bathroom and squinted her eyes, thinking.  
"Went to have a quickie in the bathroom. You up for it?" Gambit winked at Byers.  
"You know I am!" Byers answered and grabbed her hand and headed to the bathroom.  
After ten minutes, the four of them got back in the car. Rogue hopped back behind the wheel, and Krycek squeezed in between Rogue and Mulder. Gambit lay on top of the Gunmen's laps, making them horny, wild, and even more drunker. They drove to where they stopped off where they left Gambit's car.  
When they arrived to the spot where they left the car, Krycek, Gambit, Langly, Byers, and Frohike got out. Krycek got in the backseat of Rogue's car, while Gambit got in her car, Langly sitting next to her and Byers and Langly in the back seat. The cars were started and they drove to the forest.  
The view of the forest was appreciated as Gambit drove to a small-secluded garage. Gambit remembered something and drove onto this small road, while Rogue stayed on the main road. Gambit could slightly see Rogue to the left. A clearance of trees came and the main road was seen, Gambit sharply turned left onto the clearing. There was a dirt ramp, and the car sailed right off of it and sailed through the air above the main road. The Gunmen were screaming while Gambit was laughing. The car slammed to the ground with a crash and kept driving.  
"What the hell was that?!" exclaimed Langly.  
"It's a ramp that stunt drivers use out here for practice. Pretty cool huh?" answered Gambit with her eyes on the road.  
"It was fucking awesome!!!" Langly yelled. Gambit grinned and touched the back of Langly's neck.   
They drove on for several miles, before coming to the secluded private garage. Everybody got out of the cars and tried to see what Gambit had in the garage.   
"This…." Gambit opened the garage door and pointed to the multicolored van inside. "Is the Love Van." Gambit said sultry.   
"Oh…… my…. God……" said everybody all at once except for Gambit and Rogue. Gambit nodded.  
"What are we waiting for? Let's get into the damn van and make some love!" yelled out Frohike after taking another swig of his Tequila. Everybody cheered. When everybody piled in the van, Rogue took the wheel again because Gambit had to keep three guys amused. Rogue headed off to drive to a clearing off the road, near some rocks and a less dense forest.   
They came up to a clearing and there was a cliff before the second clearing. They stopped and moved around in the van very close to the small cliff. It started to tilt, then Rogue started up the car and unknowingly drove it off the small cliff, the van crashed around on its sides before ending upright with everybody dazed and confused. The empty Tequila bottles broke, but everybody was buzzed as they were. Gambit and the Gunmen were the only ones who weren't knocked out. The padded interior of the back of the van cushioned the blows on the fall from grace (the little cliff). They collapsed on the grass near the van and looked up at the sky. The four of them started laughing at the night, the things that had happened. Byers was the first to get up.   
"Let's play hide-and-seek." Byers drunkenly suggested, laughing. The other three started laughing too.   
"I'm It." laughed Gambit. The Gunmen slowly headed off into the forest to hide. Gambit realized she could lose the Gunmen like Mulder and Krycek.  
"OH SHIT! COME BACK, COME BACK LANGLY, BYERS, FROHIKE!!!!!!" Gambit yelled out into the very early morning air to the Gunmen hiding in the forest. Soon after, she passed out with the yelling and Tequila in her.   
  
  
GRACE'S CLIFF PASS, MARYLAND  
IT'S LIKE NOON OR SOMETHING MAN, I STILL DON'T HAVE A WATCH!!!  
  
When Gambit came to, it was slightly foggy. She sat up and lay back down again because of the head rush of the hangover.   
"Daaaaaaaaammmmmmmmnnnnnnn……." Gambit said slowly as she got to her feet. Gambit heard Rogue's voice calling out for the Gunmen and Gambit.   
"Gambit………. Byers………. Langly……… Frohike………" Rogue called out.   
"I'm here, Rogue……." Gambit called out to Rogue. Gambit got up and walked over to the van.   
"Thank god. I was worried. I woke up to find Mulder sleeping sprawled out on the passenger seat. You, Krycek, and the Gunmen were gone. Where are the other guys?" said Rogue worriedly.  
"I dunno. I was going to play hide-and-seek with the Gunmen then I remembered I could lose them like with Krycek and Mulder. Then I passed out. I just woke up again just now." said Gambit looking around. The two of them looked at each other then started off into the forest, looking for the other guys. They knew Mulder would stay asleep, he tends to do that when he's really hammered.   
Gambit and Rogue wandered off in different ways to try and find the guys. They couldn't have gone far because the Grace's Cliff Pass forest wasn't all that big. And it wasn't that thick, so you could see almost anything in your viewpoint of 50 yards.  
Gambit found Langly first. He was up in a tree, just hanging there like a little rag doll.  
"I FOUND LANGLY!!!" Gambit yelled out to Rogue, wherever she was. Gambit climbed into the tree and slowly got Langly down. Langly was so knocked out, Gambit had to hoist him over her shoulders and bring him out in the clearing.  
"GOOD FOR YOU!!! I THINK I MIGHT HAVE FOUND FROHIKE!!!" Rogue yelled back.   
"LET ME COME AND GET HIM!! YELL SO I CAN FOLLOW YOUR VOICE!!" Gambit yelled as she headed back into the forest. Gambit followed the sounds of Rogue's voice, heading towards her and Frohike.   
When Gambit got to Frohike and Rogue, she told Rogue to look some more for Krycek and Byers and call out to her if she finds them. Gambit would come and hoist them over her shoulders and take them out into the pass while Rogue would look some more.   
Gambit hoisted Frohike over her shoulders and headed out into the clearing. Between the spot where Frohike was found and the clearing, Frohike woke up.  
"Hey pretty lady……" Frohike said sleepily and smacked Gambit's ass in a playful manner.   
"Hey frog prince. How was your sleep?" said Gambit steadily as she kept walking.  
"Good. That damn Tequila put me to sleep like a baby after I tried hiding. Why didn't you come and find me? We coulda shook them trees together like there's no tomorrow." mumbled Frohike in his usual tone.   
"I know we could have shook them trees cause we didn't have a chance to since the "Love Van" crashed. And I passed out after realizing I would have lost you guys like we did to Mulder and Krycek. Pretty stupid reason huh?" said Gambit as she got nearer to the clearing.  
"I'll let you make it up tomorrow. I'll come to your office and we'll shake that nice purdy couch of yours." Frohike said slyly.   
"You got a deal," Gambit dropped Frohike to the ground in the clearing. "Now your main concern is getting Langly to wake up. And my main concern is trying to find Byers and Krycek." said Gambit before she turned around and headed back into the forest.   
Gambit tripped after getting into the forest for awhile, and landed on her back. She looked up at the trees as she tried to regain focus and saw a skin colored object. It was Krycek's arm. Gambit started laughing at the concept of Krycek's arm getting into a tree.  
"Well, Krycek'll be a monkey's uncle!" laughed Gambit as she got up and fetched the arm from the tree.   
"I FOUND KRYCEK!!! AND HIS ARM IS MISSING!!!" Rogue yelled out to Gambit.  
"I FOUND HIS ARM!!!! IN A TREE!!!!" yelled Gambit out to Rogue. Gambit could slightly see Rogue bending over Krycek, cleaning him up a little. Gambit headed towards Rogue and gave her Krycek's arm.   
"Thanks. I'll take him back. I've lifted him once. He's not that heavy." said Rogue as she took Krycek's arm from Gambit.  
"All right, I'll go find Byers." sighed Gambit as she took off and searched for Byers.   
Gambit searched the entire little patch of forest before finding Byers lying by a tree in his underwear. His clothes were thrown up into a tree.  
"Byers, baby, wake up." cooed Gambit as she shook Byers gently to wake him up. Byers mumbled several times before opening his eyes.  
"Yes? Am I it?" Byers mumbled.  
"No you're not. You're lying in the forest in your cute little boxers. Time for you to get up and tell me why your clothes are in the tree." soothed Gambit.  
"Oh it was hot. Really hot. I took my suit off because it was hot. I don't get much chances to sit in my underwear." Byers grinned up at Gambit as she helped him up. Gambit climbed up into the tree and fetched Byers' clothes. She sat up in the tree for a moment, letting Byers bask in his half nakedness for awhile.   
"We gotta get back to the clearing and try to get home. IF we can get the "Love Van" started." said Gambit as she jumped out of the tree and giving Byers his clothes. Byers put on his clothes and started off to the clearance with Gambit.  
When Gambit and Byers arrived to the clearing, everybody was up and was lying down in the grass, basking in the sun, trying to get rid of hangovers. Gambit and Byers laid down in the grass with them, relaxing before heading back to the garage and tucking the "Love Van" back in its hiding space.   
The "Love Van" started up perfectly and drove like it never crashed. Everybody talked about the weird mass of stuff they did last night. It was pretty damn weird and they would want to do it again. Maybe next week.  
  
IT'S THE FLIPPING END! GO HOME!!  
I STILL DON'T HAVE A FLIPPING WATCH!! 


End file.
